There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
