You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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