Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
