captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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