I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
