Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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