He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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