I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
