why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
