no, he came in my armpit
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
