If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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