Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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