He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
