Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
