i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
