Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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