Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Be still, my beating vagina.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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