I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
