i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
