it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
