I think my fart just growled at me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
