Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
