I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
