No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
