i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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