My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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