he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
