I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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