I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
