peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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