you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I just sharted jello shots
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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