Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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