I can't breathe out the right side of my face
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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