Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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