Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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