Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
