She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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