My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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