The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't deserve a penis
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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