I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
