I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she pinky promised me she was 18
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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