at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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