God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
