i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
