Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
