im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i have two assholes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i think i just lost a toe
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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