I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
