Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
