I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
