Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
