I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
