It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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