I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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