Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
