did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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