I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
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You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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