I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
